Here I am.....back to blogging again. I realized I would blog when something is seriously bothering me a lot. Like A LOT. Mostly are to the point that I'm so mad, so mad that I could seriously want to eat someone up right now. Okay, I'm just joking.
So my main point of the topic was ignorance, well the existence that I find myself in are seriously low like I don't even seem like I'm existing here. Some people may seem to accept very well and carry on with it but I realized that the exchange that these people who seem to accept well of being away with friends for some period of time is that they get extremely good result, good reputation among those who knew them and also being able to be independent and step up for themselves pretty well. Let's not talk about IF I AM capable to achieve both side at once, let's just say that I don't have either one.
Sometimes I look at my friends' point of view and thought to myself, maybe they were busy, maybe they were being forgetful about things and maybe there are things going on. But after countless of times where I keep putting it in their shoes, and then I analyze the times of direct and indirect conversation like group chats and what more, I found myself a shadow living under darkness. Why?
Simple, when u start talking like usual, no one answers, that was fine and then, when you start to act normal, WORSE, they treat you equally as much as you would not hope for or not even close to getting hopeful.
Secondly, I realized that when you start mingle around with the same close bunch and then it hits you that you have nothing more to say or comment because the others tend to have their own thoughts in a very dominant way as in they start to give opinions about stuff I rarely talk much and starts to be firm with their thoughts by overtaking other people's thought. For example, I like this style, and the others hate it and they are trying to make a very firm statement or reasons for not liking it make me feel a little left out, and the next thing I knew was they became as united as ever discussing the things of why they hated it together. And then, that face, that i-do-not-understand-why expression showed on me, seem to hit me every time.
The shopping part was where it goes with the factor of me love to stay home even more. The knowledge that I had during shopping was 0 like "omg, __________ wore this before, she look great" or "the dress she wore cost about___________". And then the moment when u walk at the same row together you realized you and them became distant, somehow or someone came up to another person and then another starts to joins in or another person joins another person and form a group or pair of their own and all WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD THINGS THEY WANNA DISCUSS ABOUT which is and mostly are SHOPPING or maybe they saw some famous model walk pass by and starts talking about it, I did tried to walk to the front more but everyone's legs just seems to really goes along with their brain; its like whoever that are compatible to their talk, they tend to go along with them, so in the end I step back. From that very moment, I felt so much more distant. I kept quiet.
The consequences of keeping quiet can be far more than what you expected. Give me a few more years and I'll be the greatest actress of all times. How so was because when you don't seem like how you normally do, you just get questioned and when you do seem like you normally do (when I'm feeling how I felt above), you are holding in a lot and then when you felt like you needed to talk about it and to hope resolve this issue, you get judged in a way that either I'm too sensitive or I'm just making a show for myself or I over-thought about these. (Let's not say it is you who don't judge, I'm PRETTY SURE other people might do, deep deep down inside they might comment about me somehow about me trying to be an attention seeker).
On the bright side, yes, I don't mean to brag about myself but sometimes when I make jokes, I tend to make people feel happy and it also makes me feel happy because I really like people to not feel scared about me and be more open to me and think of me as a happy-go-lucky girl that are filled with positivism in me. But the reality hurts a lot you know, these outrageous and never before heard kind of jokes does not last real long so how long can you keep up with all these emotions.
So back to the second paragraph, some people may accept it but they had things that are far more better than worrying about these things hence, they achieve their inner potential in them and enhance their greatest ability in exchange for their greatest recognition by people. But I don't! It's not that I reject trying my best though, well I'm still in a process of proving myself. It's just that I get too caught up with these emotions that bothers me a lot. Just like last week, I did the worst mistake in my life by not looking at the question closely and properly and I ended up getting low marks for it, I was super mad (I am to be blamed for) but I had this thought of wanna kill anyone that go pass me, and this happens because in the end I cannot prove myself again, it's like I'm going back to square, back to old me, nothing is changing for the better.
Best friend can't really be more than one that are of same gender, but with people that suits you and only you most. It simply is difficult when you thought you have found someone to really care and being cared but to have that someone you really care were shared among a few people. But this is just my point of view, I guess finding a group of peoples who really makes you constantly happy is hard.
P/S: I'm sorry for the scary write-up, I don't literally mean I want to kill someone, its just an overstatement to show how I felt.
